Sleepwalker

Apparently, I have been calling people in my sleep. In the middle of the night. Okay, just one person has confessed thus far, but think about the throngs of others that have received my nightly call-to-arms, and just didn't want to say anything. Geez Louise! I'm more messed up than I thought. On top of this disturbing news, it seems that I not only sleep-call, but I sleep-eat. I consumed only a tomato, but who's to say that I didn't dither over to the local bodega and pick myself one of those plastic-wrap nasties? You probably want to know how I know that I ate a tomato. Well, I saw the top of it sadly sitting in my sink the next morning - discarded and beheaded. The other clue to my consumption was the bloodied knife, well I say "bloodied" for dramatic purposes only, it was really only some tomato scum from that evil post-midnight romp. I hardly know myself anymore. What's happening? Am I turning into a ghoul that lives and conspires after dark? Oy! But then I thought, well maybe I could use this new sleep-walking stance to my advantage. I can call the no-respondies after dark, and maybe just maybe, they will be frightened into submission. Maybe they will get their act together when they realize that I am no holds bard, and I might, just might, sleepwalk over to them at some point when they're pulling a late one in the office. Creepy, creepy! I'm creeping myself out. But nothing is creepier than maybe being a vampire, or an after-dark fruit slayer! Or a late-night binge eater? I shudder at the thought. No, I am only a sleep-caller, the other, more unglamorous event, was a fluke, a one-off, a completely preposterous cosmic interruption where my body was taken over by aliens who had a hankering for a tomato. These aliens are foodies and had a grasp on the precipitous decline of the tomato season. Oh no. It's me, it's me. I'm the midnight-caper! I'm the thieving magpie stealing delights in the night. What a plight! I would make Rossini proud. In fact, I think that if my adventures were to have a soundtrack, they would fit nicely with his whimsical ditty - "The Thieving Magpie."